Its while sitting comfortably in the bus today that I suddenly realised that im finally in love….with my life.
Being serenely surrounded by a bunch of unknowns and still breathing normally is huge.
I never liked people. I know, said this way it sounds almost insanely narcissistic, but its true. Not that i’m not nice or kind or even empathic, its the complete opposite in fact, im too much of it all.
I’ve been emprisoned all my life by this fear of people. This fear of feelings, this fear of being laughed at or frowned upon. Claustrophobia in any shape or form has always been my ultimate friend, almost a possessive lover that silently breathes at the back of my neck anywhere I am.
The more I feel the more I fear….and I’m afraid of you, of us, of them.
The fear of humankind is hell on earth.
I’m slowly starting to embrace it instead of running away from it. Getting out in the light instead of tiptoeing in the dark. This freedom is awakening me in ways I do not still fully understand but I know for sure its brewing and growing inside.
I still miss you every fucking day but I know that you miss me too, somehow, somewhere and its all ok. Its all gonna be ok is kinda my favorite new thing to repeat in my head now. Along with oh shit and did I just do that? Oh and also … I feel free!
For the first time today I heard my inner voice enounciate those few words and it made me smile.
Cause I’ve always been free just did not know it. Its always been there, I just needed to push through that minute of uttermost gripping fear.
Farewell my friend, hope the other end of the world treats you good. I’ll be valiantly waiting your return here…in my freedom land surrounded by strangers but still breathing lovingly your name on your empty pillow every night.