Fifty shades of green

Sooooo, I woke up last night with a red eye.  I’m not talking about the hip coffee drink name here, but about my actual left eye being red and by red I mean, blood thirsty crazy red no white allowed on the premises red.

Went to pee, took one look, half asleep, at myself in the mirror and went

Ohhhh shit!

I had no choice but to get dressed at 5 am and drag my sleepy body and my red eye to the nearest emergency room.

Being fairly new to this city, thankfully I never had the  »chance » before to set foot in the hospital and even more so, the emergency room.  I had a feeling, this place was gonna be like every other emergency room I’ve ever visited and I was already bracing myself for a looooong and uncomfortable wait of misery while being surrounded by other miserable people waiting for their own sentences.

Boy was I wrong!

I’ve always thanked myself for my own weird sense of humor, and once again, it was put to the test.

Signing in, my french name got trashed, like traaaashed, I had to laugh, the woman filling the paperwork looked at me and with her superiority complex of  »I work here and I’m gonna see thousands of you today »

– So your name is Le Cock?

The visual that this name twister gave me was well worth it.

OMG thank you woman for making me laugh the minute I set foot in the  »Merge »

Cause that’s how they call it here, its long nine letter word got a hipster makeover and its now the  »Merge » (probably cause its where all the diseases merge together and party on)

Anyways, while I was sitting there, red eye popping out of my face and all, in the sea of Merge Prisoners, one of them started puking, powerfully, almost proudly, it was a  »look at me yall im the vomiting one man show circus ».   I almost puked myself.  That poor man was greenish, his complexion matching the floor tiles, while his wife was watching the news sipping her Tim Hortons coffee like any other weekday morning.

That was real love…

(so proud I got to witness that…(hear the sarcasm…(did I just put a bracket in a bracket aaaah fml))))))

Another poor fellow, was pacing back and forth accross the room moaning like a cat in heat and looking another shade of green.  And while I was trying to focus on something or someone else (its hard when you are litterally surrounded) another one started puking in the other corner of the room.   I could not see it but could definitely hear and smell it.

By then, I started being a bit self-conscious.  Realising that I was litterally in zombieland, everywhere I looked bodies were fifty shades of green, they were all moaning on different notes of belly crampiness and it was not getting any sexier.

What the hell was I doing there with my red eye ?  Sure it hurt, sure I was fitting in with the zombie trend that was clearly happening at the moment (hey your green but hey look at my eye buddy, were in the same crew…lets eat some humans…)

Anyways, I was fucked and it was slowly starting to enter my already very imaginative brain cells that all this puking had to be contagious and that green might be my new thing in a not so long forseable future!

That’s exactly why they call it  »Merge » cause you come in with a bloody fucked up left eye and you leave with a new passion for vomiting that matches your already destitute state of  »fuck my life! »  This is where all the diseases merge together to form one big happy family!

Just as I tought that I was getting pretty decent at not looking at anyone puking their guts out all around me, the guy that was valiantly pacing the room for the past half hour finally sits down.


Thank the Lord!  One down, lots more zombies to go!

He did not stay seated for long, he litterally slowly but surely, dropped on the floor, on his side and as his moans reached new level of Celine Dion’s height’s his puking skills went way out of control.

(he could have probably won an award for that performance, didn’t the Exorcist won some ?)

All the other zombies were just either staring at him or caught in their own world (they had to concentrate on their own vomiting performances, each their own priorities) or just not really all there.  I had to do something.

Red eye girl had to do something.

I got up and found help for him while thinking what the fuck I’m I still doing here ?

Go home, it’s alright if you eye falls off, no big deal, at least your not a zombie yet…..rrrrrrruuuuuuun!

And like a good little zombie to be, I sat back down in my probably fucking full of germs  »Merge » chair.

By then, I was super very extrefuckingly careful of where I put my hands or what I touched at all, making sure to go wash my hands and touch and breathe the least things and surfaces possible.

Plenty of hours later, I just got home, with a crazy looking eye but a clean bill of health, took a shower, thought about throwing away my clothes…

Now i’m stressfully awaiting the apocalypse and my awakening as a zombie.

I’ll be the one with the red eye…

Wish me luck…



(ps. no one got hurt in this blog 😉







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