Going Rogue


When everything falls into pieces around you, your animal instinct is to hold on.  As long as you can, as hard as you can, as hard as you can, as hard as you can, as hard as you can, as hard as he can become, as desperately as you can, with nails scratching any piece of skin they can reach, tears running and heart breaking.  You fucking hold on for dear life as if you don’t exist without that other person, as if for being whole you need a bit more than just you.

And you cry, and you cry, and you cry some more.

Wondering when all this hurting will stop, when this nonsense will make right.

Day or night, it’s always dark, inside and out.

And you hold on to nothing, wishing it is still something.

Praying every God you never really believed in.

Hoping one will take pity on your lonely wandering soul.

Loving is hard.

Leaving is harder.

Nothing makes sense anymore.

And your try to continue walking on this not so well light path anymore.

Wishing that someone will grab your hand in one of those dark corners.

The birds stops signing when you pass them.

As if they are giving you the silence you need.

And every morning you still wake up.

Wondering what the fuck you are still doing here.

No one will ever dare to love you again.

And you take your hands, full of blood by now, and you hold on for more.

Almost enjoying this malicious circle.

Of unloviness, of new strangers in your bed every nights.

Maybe if you close your eyes longer.

His hands will feel like his.

But they never do.

And you wake up, looking into those eyes.

That are not yours and not his.

Trying so hard to hold on and follow the right path.

Until one day.

You decide to open one fist slowly, shakingly.

With the wind being blown out of you.

With all your darkest fears creeping up on you.

Like venomous ants crawling on your spine.

Going in

Encircling the rest of that broken heart.

You’re still holding on, with one hand, giving him the middle finger with the other.

Hurting so much, losing words that usually flows freely.

Eyes so teary you can’t see your own self anymore.

You count to 3

And decide, to let go.

It takes courage to love.

It takes even more to completely trust.

A future you can’t see anymore.

And you start running instead of crawling.

With your hands feeling light and free.

Still stopping to puke your guts out at the bottom of each tree.

In those dark hallways of your secret gardens.

The ones jerking off to all your fears.

The ones always praying you’re gonna fail and fall hard.

And you let your hair blow freely in the wind of complete darkness.

And you run faster, a smile creeping up on your lips and your hands holding on to nothing.

And you stop.

In the middle of this dark forest.

The birds are still keeping their mouth shut.

But you have an audience now.

And you stand tall.

And you breathe in deeply for the first time in years.

Surrounded by your fears.

Surrounded by love still beating in your heart.

And you know.

Everything will be fine.

And you know.

You just know.

 

 

Mouah

Nadz

 

 

 

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