The show must go on

So….I’ve been dumped.  It was my Christmas gift this year.  It was so well wrapped that I could have never guessed what it was.  Ever since, I’ve lost myself, partying away to the highest bidder with a bitter taste in my mouth and a revolting swag in my walk that I’ve never had before.

I don’t recognize myself anymore.  I’ve lost my soul somewhere on a cold night last December.

I was the wife, I was the best friend, I was the cool of the pack, I was planning a whole life, planning so much in fact that I missed, completely all the red flags in the district.

And I drink, and I don’t sleep, and I fuck.  Trying to forget even more the reality of the present moment.  This reality is that I’m alone, the dreams I was planning to share with a love one, are still there, all those infinite fluffy dreams, bouncing away on the cliff hanging sidewalks at 4 in the morning….mourning.

I’ve lost a love one, but he is not dead, he just killed my heart in his wake.

I wander wondering, what the hell happened?  Why the fuck I was not enough?  Is there another, a better version of me, laying around somewhere, hidding in the shadows of my lovers, waiting for a glimpse of weakness on my part for them to jump in and run away with my life?

I’ve cried, so much, that I forgot what I was crying for.

I look at myself in the mirror and I don’t see me anymore.  I see a shadow of who I used to be, fading away.

Are you really living if you don’t have anyone to share moments with ?

Did those moments really happened if you can’t talk about them to anyone?

Sharing is living

Loving is living

Last night was another late one.  Surrounded by strangers I don’t know, bare bodies I don’t really touch, mouths that I kiss but don’t really listen to.

I miss being touched, being cuddled, being loved.

Someone whispered in my ear, really late last night, the sun was coming up.

He said

You know Nadia, at one point, you’re gonna have to stop running away from all this hurt creeping inside you and just let it hit you face first.  You gotta let yourself get hit and you have to take it and endure and cry it out.

As hard as it is to admit, he is fucking right.  I’ve gotta live this, forget the booze, the sex and the rock and roll and just live it, sober, awake, and let myself be defeated.

So i’m taking a knee.

Because in all this, when the mist leave my eyes, I see, him, this stranger that feels strangely familiar, and I wanna get to know him more.

I want him to see me, the real me, not this fucked up version of all that I could actually be.

All that I already am.

I’m done not saying anything.

Sometime the best way to say something is to say nothing.

So I’m fucking done with this ridiculous pile of shit.

I’m not the first one that’s been dumped.  I’m done wasting this amazing time I’ve got here to become the best version of myself.  I’m gonna become the best damn acupuncturist in the country, I’m gonna become an amazing healer, I’m gonna take all this hurt, all this love that I have to give, and share it with the people around me that deserves it.

I’ll listen to you next time you talk.  I’ll look at myself and love what I see.

I’ll look at you and maybe let myself fall again, because I know I am capable of getting up.

I’ve met someone, you and me, in the process.

He probably thinks i’m a mess and I don’t blame him.

I kinda am at the moment, in the middle of this stormy winter in my heart.

But maybe i’m looking for something I can’t have

I hope he sticks around, for more than the first act.

Curtains up, ass out, welcome to my new single version show.

The show must go on, take my hand, I promise, I won’t let you go.



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