Saying the right word, at the right moment, with the right intonation and the right emotion can take your life to places that never left N.
I don’t love you anymore. The woman you have become makes me sick to my stomach. I’ve been toying with the idea of doing radical changes to my actual life for a while now. I’m tired of being tired. Of waking up at least one day a week, hungover, shaky, miserable, because I’ve partied too much the night before. Dry of any emotions that I’ve been trying so much to repress.
I drink because I love being social. I love dancing. I love patio season. I love the freedom I feel when my mind is not racing. Because it makes me feel sexier and removes my inhibitions, oooooh doesn’t it. Because it awakes that inner demon that I so love, almost like a dirty lover that I hide inside. He loves to come out after many sips.
I drink because i’m afraid of people but I love them, a love/hate relationship I’ve had to live with forever.
Imagine being deathly afraid of people, just like you are afraid of spiders, and being thrown in a room full of them every single day, over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again and again.
I am soooooo tired of being afraid.
I feel stuff, too much, anything you are not saying, you can damn well be sure I feel them.
I wanna make radical choices because I want to feel better, inside and outside.
With my fortieth birthday fastly approaching, I wanna give myself the biggest gift, the one of love, from me to me. I strongly believe in a healthy mind in a healthy body or a healthy body on an empty mind. Both go together, so I’ve been trying for a long time to get my mind straight, it works, for some time, but it always comes back with a vengeance.
My demons are more in love with me than I am.
So, since it seems like after 40 years, my mind is still having a mind of it’s own, I’m trying the other way around. I’m gonna take the best of care ever of my body, that starts with no more drinks for a long while. With patio season starting downtown and my birthday coming up, it should be a blast to try to stick to it (fuuuuuuck me) but one thing I also know about my mind, it’s that it’s stubborn, as fuck, I’m not a Taurus for nothing.
Now is as good a time as ever to start to be me again. The me that has always been inside, when I’m not partying, the one that no one sees, the actual better version of me.
You see, i’m not that girl, the one I’ve been for a long time now. I’m not sexy, i’m not dirty, i’m not loud, i’m not wild, i’m not arrogant….i’m afraid.
This little girl in a woman’s body is way more, or maybe way less. But I know her, so much, she is tired of getting hurt, by men that just wants her body. Trust me I know the look, of human nature, I have that demon inside me too. The one that wakes up on full moon nights and just wanna fuck anything that moves.
The thing is, the morning after, even when the bodies are still warm, my heart gets colder by the minute.
I am a romantic, a believer in true love, true connections. I’m clumsy, will trip on the only rock in the road, will fall even when I’m clearly looking. I say the most innapropriate things at the most unfortunate time. I’m a nerd, I have read most contents of any libraries. I’m kind, it’s in me to help, to listen, to take your hand. I’m so sensitive that I’ve built a huge shell over me over time, this turtle is ready to come out. I barely look people in the eyes, because I see them too much, because I don’t want them to see me, because I’m afraid of other humans. I’m loyal as fuck, when I tell you I have your back, I will, have it, forever. I’m ashamed of my body, even though I’ll get naked very quickly. I wanna become a great healer, because I know and understand how you feel. I’m tired of sleeping around. The number of orgasms is not relevant to your quality of life. I’m afraid of solitude even though I’m in the midst of the biggest desert of it I’ve ever been.
People tell you to not divulge too much of yourself, especially if you are gonna work in the medical field or any kind of »reputation » category. I strongly believe the opposite is better, to be you, all of it, being human and vulnerable is a wonderful thing that’s too much taken for a failure.
No one is better than the other, no one is higher than any other, no one is perfect, and it’s in the imperfections that greatness emerges. I believe life is short or long but mostly ephemeral; it comes and goes, like waves, like leaves swaying on a windy day.
Your facebook pictures will fade with the memories.
If everyone would be a little more human, we would be closer.
Dating and Drinking have thought me that, when I have my shell on, full on shell mode, everyone else around me wears it as well. It’s a natural protective mechanism. But if I remove it, and really look at you, even though it takes my breathe away to do so, it takes them by surprise and emotions starts to occur. That feeling that everyone is afraid of feeling but feels soooooo good to the touch of your soul.
So for my big scary next decade birthday coming up, here are my gifts to me.
- No more drinking uncontrollably for the next 6 months. I am done losing my mind and clothes. I will follow any drink with not one but two tall glasses of water, this lady is gonna be a very hydrated one. It will make me think twice about having too many to drink.
- No more dating strangers, even though I know there will be hot men out there that my very grand appetite will crave, I will restrain this fucking body of mine to fuck. At least any more strangers. It’s always raining men in this city, to my greatest pleasure and disturbance.
- Start daily exercise routine, this one is surely gonna kill me, I wanna have a healthy body so that my healthy mind can flourish, so yeah, I guess I’m gonna have to stick to it this time. I have a gym in my apartment building, so no excuse not to go, even though I know too well I will try to find many.
- Daily meditation and writing. I’m already doing them both but since I’m writing my shit down, might as well write it all!
Can’t believe I’m writing all this down. I have to, to make it more real. Just the thought of all this makes me wanna have a drink right now. But then, I just thought of the two glasses of water and naaaaah I’ll pass.
Alright, day one, let’s do this.
I’ll keep you posted on this journey of finding myself again, or maybe for the first time.