I should be studying this morning, but my head is full of words, bouncing away, ready to be inked down.
The minute I listen to music, my mind starts flowing higher and pictures starts forming words. I’ve discovered I can’t study with music, well I can but it will most certainly end up being more writing on the side of my notes.
Some kind of poetic conundrum.
So here I am, reading about amorphous urates while envisionning two naked bodies in white sheets making some sort of tantric sex for hours while never getting satisfied of each other.
I’m still ashamed of the way my dirty mind works.
But then, yesterday in class, while the teacher was babbling about damp-heat in the lower and middle jiao (chinese med stuff) I was, as usual, listening with one ear while both eyes were reading Dany Laferrière. He is one of my favorite authors and he writes quite freely about lust and love and sex and all of the above.
I’m working on accepting myself, all of me, and being dirty is part of it. Not dirty greasy but poetic about the body ways and curves. While we ondulates in bed, my mind produces fireworks. It is what makes me alive. It’s why we are all alive. Without lust their is no love, without love, their is no life.
I’m in love with love. Might be a problem.
Tend to idealize the love one. Until they show up their true colors and then I’m like why the hell did I not see that crappy side before ?
Well, it was there all along, I was too blinded by lust and love.
So i’m choosing solitude for now, for the next very long time. Always been very afraid of being alone, I think like a lot of you. It’s scary to not have a hand to hold, especially when you fall.
During shinny days, it’s perfectly fine to be wandering alone. All is well, and you don’t need to be cuddled, loved, told everything will be ok, some of us even become jaded, shaded by the illusion that life is a perfect rosy bubbly gummy place.
But, just so you know, we are all humans, and we fall and rise like the tides.
And when the tide is low it’s comforting to know we are still floating with a »someone » next to us.
Some of us will even settle with a lower than what they envisioned that life jacket someone would have been.
I’ve always been afraid of being alone.
I’ve been alone since December, it’s ok. I’m afraid of what I am representing at the moment, solitude, and you know what, I’m still here and smiling.
So take that life! Right in your balls!
I am slowly falling in love, with the woman I am. I am not perfect and I am not broken. I am a little parcel of universe. A particule of molecules floating away for this instant life. Doing the best I can with what I have, who I am and where I kinda wanna go.
I have no one to hold my hand.
And it’s ok. I’ll even hold yours if need be.
I am not afraid of love, even though it burned me more than I probably could take.
I smell burn toast.
I’ll have you with my morning coffee.
Strong and bold and drippy.
ps. 10 days no drinky, still going strong.