The death of the butterflies

I came back from Downtown and Forever…alone in a cab.

I had such high hopes for this, the exhiliration was palpable.

What happened?  The butterflies flew away the minute I saw him.

He was wonderful, very attractive physically and mentally but my body’s chemistry, for some reason, was not responding to him…whatsoever…dead….finish….capoute!

We had a nice supper, great conversation, he even took my hand while we were walking around after all that food.  I was waiting, for the spark, for the electricity to run it’s course through my body.

Nothing, nada

He was talking about how we would enjoy the Farmer’s Market the next morning, all the things we should do together during that week.  All that time, I was arguing with myself.

What’s wrong with you?  Why don’t you like him?  He is the epiphany of perfection.  

I tried, to start the engines, to make my heart skip a beat, to see if those beauuuuuutiful lips would be interesting to kiss.

I don’t think I’ve ever had such an inner debate with myself.  Usually I would have been drunk by then and just say to myself……

meh, why not? He could do the job for one night just go with it.

But that’s the thing, see, I was sober.  I had one beer with the meal, just enough to get my lips wet and combine great taste in my mouth.

So yeah, I had my head on my shoulder and my heart bored on my sleeve.

No reason whatsover this was happening.  Some women would kill (ok maybe not kill per say) for a guy like the one smiling and holding me tight while we’re walking at this exact moment.

Molecules are attracted to some other molecules.

Sometime it doesn’t make any sense but they just are.

Why are you fucking that guy that you don’t really like but that your body craves?

Your body wants his, plain and simple.

So after a much longer debate than I expected.  I had to at least gone around for a good 15 rounds.  I excused myself to go to the nearest washrooms and I sat down, while not peeing but thinking, and trying to master the courage to just tell him I was not that into him.

That’s hard shit ladies!

Ok ok, breathe in, out, you can do this, be polite, smile and just be you.

While walking towards him again, with my game off and my heart back in my chest again, This girl is on fire was playing on the speakers full on.

Yup, I was definitely of fire!

I’m so sorry……

His face started to fade

I don’t think I wanna do this, this whole girlfriend thing

His eyes start to blur

I’m sorry I don’t feel this is the right thing to do.

I feel bad, for myself, for him, for what could have been, but at the same time, I feel awesome, for following my instinct and most importantly my heart.

It doesn’t mean someone wants you that you need to want them in return.  It should be a mutual dance that thing called love.

He just gave me a long hug, kissed my cheek, turned away and walked out.

I stood there, by myself, a bit shaken by what I just did.  Trying to see if any part of me wanted to just run after him.  The answer was no, I could finally breathe.

I walked around the city by myself, downtown on a Saturday night, sober, witnessing all the people around me partying like there is no tomorrow.

Eventually, once my legs stopped shaking and my mind stopped racing, I called a cab and just went home…alone.

I was proud of myself, for having been 100% honest with what I wanted.  It would have served him no good anyways to spend more time with me.  I did us both a favor.

The favor of freedom and being who you really want to be or become.

So, I’m back on the market after this small 24 hours hiatus.

I’m back bitches!

Still on the quest for something out there.




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